What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 00:30
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why do I sweat between my legs all the time, top off my legs, all way down?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So whats the point in blame.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I don,t even have a pension.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Which document should be pointed out to a holocaust denier?
It was going to be , some day.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I never cut or harmed myself..
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When she asked me how she looked .
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
What did i know ?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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I said to her
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I think the readers, may guess!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was 9 years of age.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I write beautiful poetry .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She found it foreign!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We all went to grammer schools
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i lived it daily.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Who then, do I blame.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was scared of men, in general
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
I waited trembling.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it wasn’t much.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Comes on , in middle age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My life is so biszare .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My family never makes their pension either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why did i forgive my father ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Would this be the day?
Im still living with it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was seconnd youngest,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She wouldn,t have been !
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
This is soul school!.
I will be 64.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was in good health!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She married twice! .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Put me off passion for life!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I have no regrets .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He knew the spot.
I was very sick at this time too.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
All the time i was locked up.
We were not on the streets..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!